I'm to reason for everything that hurts...

I'm lost, is this what I really want? Is this the road that I really want? Well I want but I don't want to hurt anyone in the aftermath. Karma always have it's way to bite me back no matter how far I run or where I hide.

When I'm gone, I guess everything will be alright? Everyone will be happy, I pray to God. Guess I'm scare? Afraid of losing my mind, I always say this is the last time but yet I keep going back to my sinful ways.

I need help, my soul is corrupted by what make me for who I am. I keep talk about my life, but who will help me save my life? Sometimes I do have dying wish, thinking that the world will be better if Raymond wasn't around. No one will gain pain, no one will shed a tear.

I already give my best but how much do you one from me? Hear me out, I'm losing it! Each day I just keep wanting to quit, thoughts of smoking is starting again. Slowly coming up on me and bite me on my fucking neck.

Stress, yea that's right I'm stress! Everyone deserves a second chance but mine was already gone. No chance for me left to redo myself, how I wish I could do so. I make my choice and it's a mistake. How I wish I could have a pill to take so I can forget about everything.

Forget about those worry in life, forget those that I hurt till to me and forget who I am. I'm the main source of the pain and problem. Guess it's right when they say what goes around comes around.

I'm stuck in my own mind, can't get out. I lost my ways, I lost my hope. That's why I start to pray again. Hoping that I will be better and out on for the dark place where I fall into again.

I try to keep it real, keeping everything to myself. Never did I share those with my friends, I just blog about it. Wonder when was the last time I truly laugh or smile, not just outside but my heart and my mind.

I starting to fade away from this place call hopes and dreams. The past is back, the truth is seal. I look up and is just me, alone walking this dark road. I'm lost in my own world that I created, I'm going insane. Turning into a madman in me, I'm falling yet again but this time the pain is worst. It looks like it won't heal no more, I lost my voice in this dark place. I can never shout for help, lost in this maze. Love have ended, the hate have started...

And now I quote "Sometimes death await you, but you never know when it's your turn..."

I Am...

I am a gamer, not a player
I am a rocker, not a fucker
I am a sinner, not a lover
I am believer, not a sinister
I am slacker, not a killer
I am a joker, not a slayer
I am a loser, not a winner
I am a mess, not a maniac
I am alone, not a pretender

This is me, and this is who I am. Lately, I keep trying to isolate from the world. Having some alone time but I hate being alone yet I just want to do it. So who will come along with me and walk this dark journey. Walk into my mind, share my my pain, hear my story, wear my shoes. My mind is a mess, it's crazy, it's insane. It's a maze, will you take your chances to walk into it? I guess no one want and no one will.

End of line, end of time. This is the end but a new beginning of a new story and a new life.

And now I quote "Love songs don't make me love sick but make me sick of love."

Gamble with life, time and love

Life's gamble for everyone. Everyone have a part to play, a role to act. You never know what will turn out if you don't gamble with it. Recently I pray back to God, start to believe in the one up there once again.

Everything in life is about gamble and trade, and this year I'm gambling it with it. Giving it a try, not gonna miss a chance. And yes, this is coming out from a guy that always talks about love but I'm trading love this year for a better me. Putting love aside, stop thinking of it and stop trying with it.

I will isolate from this world, with my art and music. Telling myself to go on, leaving my past behind. My mind is open now after I start praying to God, tell God about my problems, praying for the best for my family.

Before that, I keep believing in Satan. But now all I want is to be on the side of God. I'm not gonna leave Adelphia behind, I will be there for the other 4 till the end. I thanks the Devil for shutting so many doors in me but I thanks God for opening them up one by one to show me the better side of life.

I'm reborn again, the birth of a new Raymond. I know you are up there looking, if only you are still alive to see me in this downfall once again...

And now I quote "Believe it or not, Angels do lie"

Friends? Oh Sorry, You Ain't One

Ah, another day another post. How's you guys lately? Well I'm feeling alright but my heart ain't in ITE now, just want it to end all the bloody shit now. But still, I can't fight fate right? I just have to let it be and see how far I can go and see what I can do or change.

Somehow, I'm lucky to have my friends around me to back me up. I know that I may not really have any friends in my new school and new class but I just don't feel like fitting in and I don't really want to pretend to be someone else just to fit in.

But even if I really make new friends, I will never ever neglect my old friends. Cause what I am now, is cause I have them. Without them I won't make it this far and still fighting.

Believe it or not, I start to pray again. I start believing in God once again, giving it one last time. Being who I was back then. And now that I'm back to the place when I started, I just keep on walking this road.

Being in ITE, I found out things that I should had known back then but I was to blind to see. And now, I will act like nothing happen but one day just one day the story and the lies will end. And the truth colour of you will be shown to not just me but to all the people around you.

Oh, and I found out today that there's a word call Togetherness! How cool was that! Now that word became how we call us, well not really but we just love the word! Now I have my family, Adelphia and those crazy people in Togetherness that make me full of joy each day. Fuck the rest, they the best!

And now I quote "Don't try to silence my words with your lies"

The Rich & The Poor

A rich man's game, a poor man's grave. I just came out with this "quote" on the spot, ain't I awesome or what?! I'm just joking if you know what I mean. Life suck big time when you are not from the rich, that's being poor and that's being me. As you can see, I'm not from a rich family and money is a problem in my family daily life.

As time go by each day, I know that being rich is everything. Having lots of money is the joy of life. But sometimes you need to go back to reality and see our life as it is. But being poor is not something rich people can understand. Being rich, you can get and do almost anything you want with money.

But living your life as a poor, you understand more about life. Enjoying life with those small little things. Won't it be great if the poor become rich? They will enjoy life even more, living life full of joy. Or will the table turn? Will the poor become what the rich have always been?

Still won't it be great if you have lots of money? Even I wish that I have lots of it too. So I won't have to worry about a lot of things like my private O, family and life. But somehow I need to wake up and see that to this world, money is everything.

Alright I will stop talking about the rich and the poor, but I know it's like totally random for me to post something like that. Okay let's talk about something different then. Many people have been asking me how do I come out with all those "quotes"? Like did I copy them someway or did I TOOK IT FROM SONGS LYRICS like most people do? (I caps lock that for a reason, want to let someone see it.)

Well almost all my quotes are mostly base on my life? If not, how I got most of my quotes are from other people's life, songs or movie. When I say songs, don't really mean I took their lyrics. As you should know, to me every songs is like a story but they sing it out. So I put myself in the songs, understand it, listen with your heart not just your ear. That's why I like Post-Hardcore songs, they are mostly base on life, love, hate, happy, sad, anger, family and friends. And for movie, I just make myself feel how the story of it is about.

Those are the way on how I got my quotes, I know those are weird way to get it but it works fine for me. Okay, I will blog next time if I'm able to do so.

And now I quote "Money can't buy love, but money can buy romance"

They Love Me For Who I Am, Unlike You

Hello! Yes I'm blogging again. I just wanna post about something I guess? My feelings? Not those feelings about loving a girl, but a different feeling I guess? Alright I will get to the point. My appeal course in ITE fail and it totally sucks!

I'm gonna appeal to change my campus tomorrow, just hope this works. If you read my blog post before this, you will know why! If I can't, well I maybe going to private O level.

The only thing that I'm worry about is money. I'm just can't stop thinking and worrying about money if I go private O. As you know, I ain't from a rich family that's why I'm worrying about money.

Talk to my Dad just now when I came home. Despite whatever happen in my family, good or bad somehow we always turn up happy? I know sometimes we dislike what each others do but I slowly learn that in family, there's no me but us. I know it sound a little bit like love I guess?

But still, I love my parents no matter what. I told my Dad that I'm more worry about the money, and he ask me not to worry about the money but let him worry about it. Listening to that, my heart have a warm feeling?

Not those kind like falling in love, but something that parents give me that feeling? Now I even more want to work hard, he ask me just faster do my things and change campus. If can't then go to private O, I just hope everything will turn out fine.

Alright I will stop blogging here, will blog soon I guess? Maybe real soon?!

And now I quote "Come on and dance with me on my broke dreams"

Not As Good As They Say It Will Be

Hello everyone, yes I'm gonna blog about my first day in ITE! It's totally not what I think it is. Well let just say it totally suck to the max! Let's start with my class, none of them (Well I think so) is like me. I'm more USA type of guy and they? Well they are like so totally Singapore! They joke within themselves and there's like "AhBengs" and all the crap.

Also something I will like to point out that my class don't even have a good looking girl! I know that is bad to say this but I'm just saying! Not trying to be racist but there are a lot malays in my class and I can't even understand a single shit they say!

And the class is like dam freaking boring and it's awkward as fuck! Don't even know anyone there! This just sucks to the max! Alright you know what? ITE is like bullshit sometimes! Like in the starting they show us video and it's like showing us how nice is ITE but in real life, it sucks!

Plus we have to do don't know what shit ass game which also is boring as fuck and suck to the core! Sorry but I'm kinda of ranting on my blog now, reason why is till to my 2 hours of sleep and after that shitty ITE that's why!

I know is like my first day for school but tell you guys the truth, I will like the normal lesson than this type of shitty stuff call team bonding or whatever you call it! Well best is to end my ITE life as soon as possible!

The sooner this end the better my life will be! Dumb fuck to the max! I just want to say FUCK dam loud now! This feeling sucks! I think if I stay any longer there, I will start to hate it even more than ever!

I want to change class! Better still change school! alright I will stop ranting already before I go ape shit and smash my computer into pieces!

And now I quote "Black sheep kills it all!"